


the second choice

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Choices, Friendship, Loneliness, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-04-01 05:33:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13991532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Count your friends and if even one of them makes you their first choice, rejoice and be happy.





	the second choice

You look at your friend and think, _we used to laugh together_.

But that was so long ago.

You think, _maybe that’s on me, that we don’t laugh anymor_ e.

You think, _maybe that’s on you._

 

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. You don’t mind being alone, but sometimes you wish it had been your choice.

 

Count your friends and if even one of them makes you their first choice, rejoice and be happy.

 

It’s a bitter thing, being the second choice. It’s a bitterness that wells up every time you are talking to your friend, and she stops mid-sentence and runs to her friend, shouting her name, without even a thought of what she leaves behind.

It is the bitterness of seeing that enthusiasm which has never, ever been directed at you.

It is the bitterness of dancing together when he tells you about another girl that dances so, so well.

It is the bitterness of leaving dancing lessons looking forward to the dance party and thinking that you will spend the time until then doing something together, and then being abandoned with nary a warning, a word or an explanation.

It is the bitterness of trying to explain this, and being looked at without any comprehension at all.

 

You hate being the second choice of everyone you’ve ever met. You hate being the second choice, the third choice, the fourth, the fifth, but it’s better than being no choice at all. It is for this that you keep quiet about the things that long to burst out, because you do not want to overshare and lose what few friends that remain.

This is a truth: You look around and think, _when did they become friends? And how?_ Because while everyone else seems to make new friendships, all you can do is lose them one by one.

This is a truth: You cannot help but wonder, _when will I lose this one? And this, and this?_

 

There once was a boy, and there was a ball. You were friends, and so you waited for him to ask you. But he didn’t, and so you went with another boy.

Later, you learn: He did not ask you because he thought you were in love with him. What a bitter realization, that that was why he avoided you.

How much more bitter, had you liked him in that way?

 

Sometimes you eat and eat and eat, and then you feel sick; sick of food, of yourself. You feel disgusted and you want to throw up, but you don’t, because that would be bulimia, and that would be an eating disorder.

You get help, and it gets better. Sometimes you try to tell your friends, but you don’t dare – they are so perfect, all of them; what will they do if they realize you aren’t? Sometimes you manage to tell them, and no one listens; they hear the words, but they do not hear the _please please listen to me help me care about me-_

Or maybe they listen, and they do not really care.

Once you tell your best friend. He continues the conversation as if this weren’t a big deal, but it is to you and you want to feel important just once. This way, at least, you know that he won’t treat you any differently, but that’s not quite what you want, either.

 

You are highly gifted and good in school, by most people’s standards. You take pride in your grades, for what they are worth; they could be better, but they could also be some much worse, so much more average.

Your friends are highly gifted as well and do so much better.

 

You also have Attention Deficit Disorder, and you take medication for it.

One friend says that his family avoids medication whenever they can, because medication is not good for you.

Once, you attend a seminar, and they say to avoid these little pills because they are oh so addictive, and if you take pills that strengthen your concentration how will you ever know what you can achieve without them, without cheating?

You feel small in your seat and start to wonder how much of your ability is really you.

 

You wish you had a boyfriend, someone who really wants you; but you’ve never even had a kiss, never even had anyone interested in you.

You think, _what am I doing wrong, that I have no one who is ever truly interested in what I say or in what I do? What am I doing wrong that there is always someone better, always choice number one?_

You think, _maybe they can taste the desperation._

Your mother thinks that they are scared of you; _you have a sharp tongue_ , she says.

 _No sharper than some,_ you think, but you keep your tongue sharp. Because what happens when your mother is wrong, and you are right –

What happens if no one is interested in you at all?

 

Count your friends and if even one of them makes you their first choice, rejoice and be happy.


End file.
